Tag Archive for 'humor'

Uddrag af patientjournaler

Der er noget om snakken.
Patient journaler er ikke kedelige:
Disse udklip fra Hvidovre Hospital vidner om, at det ikke altid er lige kedeligt at læse patientjournaler:

På andendagen havde hans knæ det bedre og på tredjedagen var det helt forsvundet.

Storebroderen har meget ofte vejrtrækning. Egen læge mener han kan vokse fra det.

Klager over dobbeltsyn, har praktisk taget været til stede under hele indlæggelsen. Vi må tage røntgenfoto af anklerne.

Moderen er hjemmegående, men har dog gået i børnehave.

Patienten har brystsmerter, hvis hun ligger på sin venstre side i mere end1 år.

Patienten har efterladt sine hvide blodceller på et andet hospital.

Patienten har klaret sig helt uden ilt i sidste døgn.

Patienten har lidt af depressioner, lige siden hun begyndte at konsultere mig i 1989.

Vi vil fortælle moderen, at hun kan kighostevaccineres, når hun vejer 4 kg.

Da han kommer fra København, har han ingen børn.

Da hun besvimede, rullede hendes øjne rundt i rummet.

Huden var fugtig og tør!

Hun er følelsesløs fra tæerne og nedefter.

Patienten bor sammen med sin mor, far og kæle-skildpadde, som p.t. er i dagpleje 3 gange om ugen.

Patienten er en 79-årig enke, som ikke længere bor sammen med sin mand.

Patienten fik amputeret en tå på venstre fod for en måned siden. Han fik også amputeret venstre ben over knæet sidste år.

Patienten var ved sit sædvanlige gode helbred indtil hans fly løb tør og styrtede ned.

Efter at patienten er ophørt med at ryge, er hans lugt vendt tilbage.

Patienten har slået venstre storetå, som næsten helt har løsnet sig. Personalet må ikke trække den af, da det gør ondt.

Fik dog besked om, at hjertet var i orden, men at hun skulle komme igen, hvis hun blev bevidstløs.

Patienten har mandolinstor prostata.

Dette er de patienter, der blev liggende på mit skrivebord.

Smerterne i ryggen viser sig, når patienten ligger udstrakt med begge ben på ryggen.

Patienten er gravid i 19. måned.

Patienten synes, at højre storetå hænger noget nedad sammenlignet med de andre fingre.

Afføringen har samme farve som dørene på afdeling 19.

Når hun føler sig træt, kan ansigtet drejes mod højre og stå der og ryste lidt.

Opkastningerne gik væk i løbet af eftermiddagen, ligesom manden.

Var på vandretur i bjergene. Nedkom med helikopter i går.

Patienten bedømmes som usammenhængende.

Har fået små blodige spiseskeer i afføringen 15-20 gange om dagen.

Patienten har tidligere haft ører, men de er faldet af.

Far og mor døde, da hun var 12 år gammel. De har ingen kontakt med hende.

Der bør bemærkes, at der ikke mærkes nogen væsentlig temperaturforskel mellem benene.

Mad får han af sønnen, som er dybfrossen.

Ørerne kan svagt skimtes bag voks.

Ansamlingen af udslæt kredser omkring patienten.

Synes, at han tisser godt. Som en hest, ifølge eget udsagn.

Patient med ansigtseksem. Hudbesvær i forbindelse med at han anvender underbukser.

Hvad hans impotens angår, fortsætter vi medicineringen og lader hans hustru behandle ham.

Hun har ingen kuldegysninger, men hendes mand oplyser, at hun var meget hed i sengen i nat.

Endelig en der giver mig ret…

YouTube-forhåndsvisningsbillede

Lidt til smilebåndet

Så har jeg fundet lidt flere mere eller mindre indforståede vittigheder/fortællinger fra luftfartsbranchen:

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she’s wearing a uniform, she’s probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

‘To Fly. To Serve’.

The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

‘Winning the hearts of the world’.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

‘Going beyond expectations’.

The woman looks at him sternly and says: ‘What the F**k do you want?’

‘Ah!’ he says

“Ryanair”.

********************************************************

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “Gosh, that’s a good looking baby”¦and he sure was hungry!”
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.

********************************************************

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: “Here. Iron this.”

********************************************************

LH741: “Tower, give me a rough time-check!”
Tower: “It’s Tuesday, Sir.”

********************************************************

Pilot: “…Tower, please call me a fuel truck.”Tower: “Roger. You are a fuel truck.”
Tower (in Stuttgart): “Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170knots.”
Pilot: “This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots…But we are flexible.”
Tower: “We too. Reduce to 173 knots.”

********************************************************

Pilot: “Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up.”Tower: “Sorry, XY-line 195, we don’t have your flight plan. What is your destination ?”Pilot: “To Leipzig, like every Monday.”Tower: “But today is Tuesday!”Pilot: “WHAT? But Tuesday we are off !”

********************************************************

Tower: “Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?”
Pilot: “Negative, Sir. It’s only the same pilot.”

********************************************************

Tower: “Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.”
Pilot: “Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.”

********************************************************

Tower: You have traffic at 10 o’clock,6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!

********************************************************

Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!

********************************************************

Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Tower: Affirmative.
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!

********************************************************

Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX please report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?

********************************************************

Tower: “Height and position?”
Pilot: “I am 1,80 m and I’m sitting.

********************************************************

On a very quiet night:
Pilot: “Fark I’m bored”
Tower: “Would the aircraft reporting boredom please identify your self”
Pilot: “I said I was farking bored, not farking stupid”

********************************************************

I over heard this while on ground control in MIA.
VIRGIN Flt: “Every time I come to MIA you women controllers give us a hard time.”
ATC: “For the nine years I have been a controller, I have never had a problem handling a VIRGIN.”

********************************************************

A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where!”

********************************************************

Ground Control: “123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right.”
Pilot: “123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don’t see the bear yet.”

********************************************************

ATC: “N123YZ, say altitude.”
N123YZ: “ALTITUDE!”
ATC: “N123YZ, say airspeed.”
N123YZ: “AIRSPEED!”
ATC: “N123YZ, say cancel IFR.”
N123YZ: “Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated.”

********************************************************

Lady Radar Controller: “Can I turn you on at 7 miles?”
Airline Captain: “Madam, you can try.”

********************************************************

Tower: “Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open.”
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): “Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door.”
Tower: “Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff.”
Captain: “Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX.”
Tower, during the takeoff roll: “Airline XXX, ahh … it appears that your APU is leaking luggage…”

********************************************************

The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller (a female) screamed: “[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on ‘Charlie’ taxiway; you turned right on ‘Delta’. Stop right there” Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: “You’ve screwed everything up. It’ll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don’t move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?”
Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

********************************************************

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.

San Jose Tower: “American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.”

********************************************************

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: “Malibu three-two-Charlie, you’re following a 727, one o’clock and three miles.”

Three-two-Charlie: “We’ve got him. We’ll follow him.”

KC Approach: “Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o’clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?”

Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): “Well…we’ve got something down there. Can’t quite tell if it’s a Malibu or a Chevelle, though.”

********************************************************

Tower: “Eastern 702, contact Departure on 124.7.”

Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure … by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for take-off; did you copy the report from Eastern?”

Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and roger, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.”

********************************************************

O’Hare Approach Control: “United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker F-27, one o’clock,3 miles, eastbound.”

United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got that Fokker in sight.”

********************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign “Speedbird 206”) after landing:

Speedbird 206: “Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway.”

Ground: “Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!”

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?” Speedbird 206: “Stand by a moment ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing… but I didn’t stop.”

********************************************************

I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard:
Lufthansa (In German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (In English): “If you want an answer you must speak English.”

Lufthansa (In English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”

Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer): “Because you lost the bloody war!”

********************************************************

Pilot: I’m sorry, I have to report a total loss of that brand new glider I just insured with you?

Insurance Company: Oh no”¦ Is everyone OK? Was there some undetected mechanical or manufacturing problem with the glider?

Pilot: Yes, everyone is fine, and no, the glider was absolutely flawless, what a beautiful aircraft.

Insurance Company: Did you crash land?

Pilot: No, I did get a little low on my third flight and decided to land off-aiport rather than take a chance that I couldn’t make back.

Insurance Company: Were you able to find a good field to land in? Did the landing go OK?

Pilot: Yes, I found a great field, smooth grass, no obstacles, only a single cow off in the corner. My landing was perfect! The glider was stopped, safely down on the ground without even the smallest scratch.

Insurance Company: So if your landing was perfect, and the glider was stopped, what happened?

Pilot: The cow wasn’t a cow, it was a bull.

********************************************************

Lufthansa XXX (med ordentlig tysk accent):
Palma Delivery, we need to cancel our startup request.

Palma Delivery (med spansk accent):
Roger, start-up cancelled. Are you having any problems?

Lufthansa XXX:
Ehm, no, we are just missing one passenger.

Ukendt fly (med britisk accent):
Have you looked in the oven?

********************************************************

Lufthansa Pilot says “Good morning ladies and gentlemen, Velcome aboard the LH162 from Frankfurt to London Heathrow.

I would like to ask you all to fasten your seatbelts, and I only vant to hear one click!”

********************************************************

Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you’re going to San Francisco, you’re in the right place. If you’re not going to San Francisco, you’re about to have a really long evening.

We’d like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is ..The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane’s rear end. If you’re seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you’ll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won’t inflate, but there’s oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one “first”, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I’m having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it’s a pulley thing —- not a pushy thing like your car because you’re in an airplane. HELLO !!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight …. Hold on, let me check what it is ….Oh here it is; the movie tonight is… “Gone with the Wind.”

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it’s going to get really dark, really fast. If you’re afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don’t press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We’re glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there’s anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don’t hesitate to ask.

If you all weren’t strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn’t you?

********************************************************

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here!”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the copilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here!”

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says “Oh, I’m Sorry, ” and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

“I told her First Class isn’t going to Houston.”

********************************************************

Airline123: Airline 123, request a 360 to parking.

Ground: 360 approved, 180 recommended.

[pause]

Airline123: You’ve been saving that one for while, haven’t you?

********************************************************

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.

The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,”What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

********************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was
your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was
your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”

********************************************************

Se endnu mere på denne hjemmeside.

 

 

Kulula Airways

Min kære kollega Pia har netop sendt mig en e-mail med billeder af nogle af det sydafrikanske Kulula Airways’ fly, og de er ikke helt uden humor.

kulula_this_way_up_plane_4.jpg

Se fx det skriggrønne Flying 101, som er overbemalet med forklaringer på, hvilke dele af flyet du ser på eller ovenstående This way up (se flere billeder på deres hjemmeside, hvor du også kan se mange andre fly).

Is lost baggage really lost?

Hvis man kigger lidt deres hjemmeside, så har de sgu´en god stil i deres beskrivelser – se fx nedenstående svar på, om det virkelig er rigtigt, at bagagen bliver væk.

It’s actually extremely rare for bags to get ‘lost’. What does happen (occasionally) is that the captain can impose a weight restriction, which results in luggage getting put onto another flight. Here at kulula HQ, we realise that you would far rather entertain the idea of growing a third nostril than be told your precious suitcase of shoes will be arriving later, but sometimes bad things happen to good luggage, so we need to explain why. […] In the (still pretty rare) event your luggage is transferred to a later flight, it’s up to us to make sure you receive it, so we’ll deliver it to you at our own expense. Promise. Cross our hearts.

Eller hvad med denne artikel om det fonetiske alfabet, der starter således:

Pilots are a cool bunch ”¦ wearing aviator shades, riding ‘first class’ upfront and talking their own lingo…

Sjove briefinger

De siger selv, at de er et lavprisselskab, der ikke tager sig selv så højtidelig og sætter en ære i at lave passagerbriefinger lidt mere morsomme – læs også de “sandfærdige” passagerbriefinger, som fulgte med e-mailen og få smilet helt frem på læben.

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

—o0o—

On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

—o0o—

On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

—o0o—

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

—o0o—

“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

—o0o—

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella WHOA!”

—o0o—

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

—o0o—

From a Kulula employee: “Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth”. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

—o0o—

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.”

—o0o—

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airways.”

—o0o—

“Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

—o0o—

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

—o0o—

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airways is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.” “Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

—o0o—

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

—o0o—

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

—o0o—

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

—o0o—

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.”

He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

—o0o—

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

—o0o—

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”

—o0o—

Heard on a Kulula flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.”

—o0o—

 

 

Bryllupsrejse a la Cimber Sterling…

Min søster sendte mig denne vittighed, der jo relaterer lidt til de emner, der skrives om på denne blog ;-)

En mor havde tre døtre, som alle var jomfruer; de stod alle tre overfor at skulle giftes.

Moderen var lidt bekymret for deres sexliv, og fik dem til at love, at de ville sende et kort hjem fra bryllupsrejsen med et par ord om bryllupsnatten.

Den første pige sendte et kort allerede to dage efter afrejsen til Hawaii, og der stod kun:

NESCAFÈ

 Moderen undrede sig lidt, men gik så ud i køkkenet og fandt dåsen med Nescafe. Derpå stod der “God til den sidste dråbe”.

Moderen blev lidt flov, men var glad på sin datters vegne.

 

En uge efter fik moderen et kort fra sin anden datter i Vermonth, hvor der stod:

 PRINCE

 Moderen gik straks ind og fandt sin mands pakke cigaretter, og der stod “Ekstra tykke, ekstra lange, ekstra nydelse”.

Moderen rødmede lidt, men var glad på sin datters vegne.

 

Den tredje datter var taget til Caribien på bryllupsrejse, men efter to uger havde moderen stadig intet hørt fra hende, og hun blev en smule nervøs for sin datter.

Efter tre uger kom der endelig et kort, hvor der med rystet håndskrift stod:

CIMBER STERLING

Moderen løb ind efter hendes dameblad, og med de værste anelser slog hun op på reklamen for Cimber Sterling. Der stod  “Tre gange om dagen, syv dage om ugen, begge veje”.

;-)

ATC-humor

Samme sted har jeg sakset disse ATC-instruktioner fra ORD (Chigago O’Hare):

“Expect lower at the end of this transmission.”

“Citation 123, if you quit calling me center, I’ll quit calling you twin Cessna.”

“About three miles ahead you’ve got traffic 12 o’clock, five miles.”

“If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor.”

“You got him on TCAS? Great. When you’re seven in trail, resume normal speed and call Chicago Center on 120.12.”

“I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me.”

“You got any more smart remarks, we can be doing this over South Bend … go ahead.”

“You’re gonna have to key the mike. I can’t see you when you nod your head.”

“It’s too late for Louisville. We’re going back to O’Hare.”

“Put your compass on ‘E’ and get out of my airspace.”

Continue reading ‘ATC-humor’

CRM

Sidder for tiden og forbereder CRM-kursus (Crew Resource Management), og faldt i den forbindelse over en dele gode citater. Jeg har “stjålet” de bedste – resten finder du her.

Aviation in itself is not inherently dangerous. But to an even greater degree than the sea, it is terribly unforgiving of any carelessness, incapacity or neglect.

”” Captain A. G. Lamplugh, British Aviation Insurance Group, London. Circa early 1930’s.

When you get it right mighty beasts float up into the sky. When you get it wrong people die.

”” Roger Bacon, c. 1384.

In flying I have learned that carelessness and overconfidence are usually far more dangerous than deliberately accepted risks.

”” Wilbur Wright in a letter to his father, September 1900.

In the early days they said I was trying to make a statement, but I was just trying to make a living.

”” Captain Bonnie Tiburzi, American Airlines, first woman hired by a major airline.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

”” Richard J. Ferris, President, United Airlines.

Continue reading ‘CRM’