Archive for the 'Flyvning' Category

Lidt til smilebåndet

Så har jeg fundet lidt flere mere eller mindre indforståede vittigheder/fortællinger fra luftfartsbranchen:

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she’s wearing a uniform, she’s probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

‘To Fly. To Serve’.

The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

‘Winning the hearts of the world’.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

‘Going beyond expectations’.

The woman looks at him sternly and says: ‘What the F**k do you want?’

‘Ah!’ he says

“Ryanair”.

********************************************************

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “Gosh, that’s a good looking baby”¦and he sure was hungry!”
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.

********************************************************

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: “Here. Iron this.”

********************************************************

LH741: “Tower, give me a rough time-check!”
Tower: “It’s Tuesday, Sir.”

********************************************************

Pilot: “…Tower, please call me a fuel truck.”Tower: “Roger. You are a fuel truck.”
Tower (in Stuttgart): “Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170knots.”
Pilot: “This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots…But we are flexible.”
Tower: “We too. Reduce to 173 knots.”

********************************************************

Pilot: “Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up.”Tower: “Sorry, XY-line 195, we don’t have your flight plan. What is your destination ?”Pilot: “To Leipzig, like every Monday.”Tower: “But today is Tuesday!”Pilot: “WHAT? But Tuesday we are off !”

********************************************************

Tower: “Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?”
Pilot: “Negative, Sir. It’s only the same pilot.”

********************************************************

Tower: “Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.”
Pilot: “Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.”

********************************************************

Tower: You have traffic at 10 o’clock,6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!

********************************************************

Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!

********************************************************

Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Tower: Affirmative.
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!

********************************************************

Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX please report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?

********************************************************

Tower: “Height and position?”
Pilot: “I am 1,80 m and I’m sitting.

********************************************************

On a very quiet night:
Pilot: “Fark I’m bored”
Tower: “Would the aircraft reporting boredom please identify your self”
Pilot: “I said I was farking bored, not farking stupid”

********************************************************

I over heard this while on ground control in MIA.
VIRGIN Flt: “Every time I come to MIA you women controllers give us a hard time.”
ATC: “For the nine years I have been a controller, I have never had a problem handling a VIRGIN.”

********************************************************

A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where!”

********************************************************

Ground Control: “123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right.”
Pilot: “123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don’t see the bear yet.”

********************************************************

ATC: “N123YZ, say altitude.”
N123YZ: “ALTITUDE!”
ATC: “N123YZ, say airspeed.”
N123YZ: “AIRSPEED!”
ATC: “N123YZ, say cancel IFR.”
N123YZ: “Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated.”

********************************************************

Lady Radar Controller: “Can I turn you on at 7 miles?”
Airline Captain: “Madam, you can try.”

********************************************************

Tower: “Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open.”
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): “Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door.”
Tower: “Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff.”
Captain: “Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX.”
Tower, during the takeoff roll: “Airline XXX, ahh … it appears that your APU is leaking luggage…”

********************************************************

The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller (a female) screamed: “[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on ‘Charlie’ taxiway; you turned right on ‘Delta’. Stop right there” Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: “You’ve screwed everything up. It’ll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don’t move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?”
Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

********************************************************

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.

San Jose Tower: “American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.”

********************************************************

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: “Malibu three-two-Charlie, you’re following a 727, one o’clock and three miles.”

Three-two-Charlie: “We’ve got him. We’ll follow him.”

KC Approach: “Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o’clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?”

Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): “Well…we’ve got something down there. Can’t quite tell if it’s a Malibu or a Chevelle, though.”

********************************************************

Tower: “Eastern 702, contact Departure on 124.7.”

Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure … by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for take-off; did you copy the report from Eastern?”

Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and roger, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.”

********************************************************

O’Hare Approach Control: “United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker F-27, one o’clock,3 miles, eastbound.”

United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got that Fokker in sight.”

********************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign “Speedbird 206”) after landing:

Speedbird 206: “Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway.”

Ground: “Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!”

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?” Speedbird 206: “Stand by a moment ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing… but I didn’t stop.”

********************************************************

I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard:
Lufthansa (In German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (In English): “If you want an answer you must speak English.”

Lufthansa (In English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”

Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer): “Because you lost the bloody war!”

********************************************************

Pilot: I’m sorry, I have to report a total loss of that brand new glider I just insured with you?

Insurance Company: Oh no”¦ Is everyone OK? Was there some undetected mechanical or manufacturing problem with the glider?

Pilot: Yes, everyone is fine, and no, the glider was absolutely flawless, what a beautiful aircraft.

Insurance Company: Did you crash land?

Pilot: No, I did get a little low on my third flight and decided to land off-aiport rather than take a chance that I couldn’t make back.

Insurance Company: Were you able to find a good field to land in? Did the landing go OK?

Pilot: Yes, I found a great field, smooth grass, no obstacles, only a single cow off in the corner. My landing was perfect! The glider was stopped, safely down on the ground without even the smallest scratch.

Insurance Company: So if your landing was perfect, and the glider was stopped, what happened?

Pilot: The cow wasn’t a cow, it was a bull.

********************************************************

Lufthansa XXX (med ordentlig tysk accent):
Palma Delivery, we need to cancel our startup request.

Palma Delivery (med spansk accent):
Roger, start-up cancelled. Are you having any problems?

Lufthansa XXX:
Ehm, no, we are just missing one passenger.

Ukendt fly (med britisk accent):
Have you looked in the oven?

********************************************************

Lufthansa Pilot says “Good morning ladies and gentlemen, Velcome aboard the LH162 from Frankfurt to London Heathrow.

I would like to ask you all to fasten your seatbelts, and I only vant to hear one click!”

********************************************************

Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you’re going to San Francisco, you’re in the right place. If you’re not going to San Francisco, you’re about to have a really long evening.

We’d like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is ..The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane’s rear end. If you’re seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you’ll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won’t inflate, but there’s oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one “first”, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I’m having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it’s a pulley thing —- not a pushy thing like your car because you’re in an airplane. HELLO !!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight …. Hold on, let me check what it is ….Oh here it is; the movie tonight is… “Gone with the Wind.”

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it’s going to get really dark, really fast. If you’re afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don’t press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We’re glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there’s anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don’t hesitate to ask.

If you all weren’t strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn’t you?

********************************************************

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here!”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the copilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here!”

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says “Oh, I’m Sorry, ” and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

“I told her First Class isn’t going to Houston.”

********************************************************

Airline123: Airline 123, request a 360 to parking.

Ground: 360 approved, 180 recommended.

[pause]

Airline123: You’ve been saving that one for while, haven’t you?

********************************************************

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.

The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,”What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

********************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was
your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was
your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”

********************************************************

Se endnu mere på denne hjemmeside.

 

 

Åbent spørgsmål til Annette, Holger og Helle

 

Kære Annette Vilhelmsen

Først tillykke med valget!

Du sagde i din flotte tiltrædelsestale, at “vi” har brug for alle, herunder også ingeniøren og piloten.

Mange i især den sidste gruppe har svært ved at finde job i Danmark, og vi er en del efter senest Cimber Sterlings konkurs, der har måtte kigge efter job i Kina, Japan, Vietnam, Indonesien, Etiopien, Chile, Tyrkiet, – ja, kun fantasien sætter grænser.

Det er ikke særligt fine forhold med i nogle lande kun op til fire fridage om måneden efter firmaets forgodtbefindende og mulighed for at komme hjem til familien en gang hver tredje måned, men hvad gør man ikke for et job (der så i øvrigt ikke er særlig velbetalt) – selv om det medfører store afsavn af familie og venner?

Før kunne familien jo så overleve lidt på ligningslovens paragraf 33a om skattefritagelse for udsendte, men det gælder jo så ikke længere…

Jeg får selv måske på et tidspunkt mulighed for et job i udlandet, men med ophævelse af paragraf 33A kan det rent økonomisk bedre betale sig at blive hjemme og modtage dagpenge – lidt trist, at vi skal belaste dagpengesystemet, når nu i hvert fald nogle af os gerne vil tage et par år i udlandet indtil der kommer bedre tider i lille Dannevang!

Ud over den rent lønøkonomiske bagside skal der jo også tages alle de andre forhold med i købet, når man er langt væk fra familien i længere tid med dobbelt husførelse og transportomkostninger – gad vide, om man kan retfærdiggøre et dagligt kørselsfradrag til og fra fx Kina, Indonesien eller Chile?

Dagens spørgsmål

Mit spørgsmål til dig lyder derfor:

Vil du arbejde aktivt for at ophæve ophævelsen af denne paragraf, så vi igen kan få dansk industri på spil i udlandet og sikre at danske piloter bare ser et lille incitament i at søge job i udlandet (vi skal jo nok bruge pengene herhjemme, når vi er hjemme igen på et eller andet tidspunkt)?

Så selv om Helle, Holger og du sikkert har mange andre punkter på dagsordenen i dag, håber jeg I også vender dette vigtige emne og glæder mig til et positivt tilsagn!

Mange hilsener

Jørgen Koch

 

Træthed – mere om fatigue i flyvning

I fortsætte af mit indlæg om det nye EU-forslag om ændringer i reglerne om flyvetidsbegrænsning, så kan du finde meget mere info om fatigue i flyvning – se fx følgende video:

YouTube-forhåndsvisningsbillede

FAA, den amerikanske luftfartsadministration, har også udgivet et cirkulære, der er værd at læse, og skrevet en del interessante Pilot Safety-brochurer, hvor du fx finder en om uregelmæssig døgnrytme og en om fatigue.

 

Vil du flyve med en pilot, der har været vågen i over 22 timer?

EU (EASA) har i starten af oktober fremsat et forslag om ændring i flyvetidsbegrænsning (EU Flight Time Limitations – FTL), som har stor indflydelse på sikkerheden for danske og europæiske flypassagerer.

YouTube-forhåndsvisningsbillede

Desuagtet utallige opfordringer og undersøgelser – hvor fx USA går den modsatte vej – kan piloter efter de nye regler operere og lande en flyvemaskine efter at have været vågen i mere end 22 timer. Hvis dette regelsæt vedtages, så vil mere end 38.000 piloter kunne kaldes “Kaptajn Dødtræt”.

Vi behøver sikre regler nu!

Vi kan ikke vente på at der sker endnu et uheld før EU vågner op og opdager, at deres regler er utilstrækkelige.

Støt ECA i kampen mod disse nye regler.

Underskriftsindsamling

Vi behøver også din underskrift – lige her.

Så er det officielt…

Julemanden har fået tilladelse af det amerikanske luftfartsvæsen (FAA) til at benytte slæde m.v. i amerikansk luftrum som har haft folk på Nordpolen for at foretage en gennemgående undersøgelse af julemandens rensdyrdrevne slæde – også kendt som Santa One ;-)

 

Øv, jeg er gået på pension i 2050

YouTube-forhåndsvisningsbillede

Bemærk, at man faktisk kan spille golf ombord – mon det også gælder for besætningen?

Sjov flyvetur i dag

Det blev en underholdende dag på jobbet i dag. Først kom vi til Stockholm, hvor vi indledningsvis blev radarvektoreret med følgende melding:

Fly heading 110 until further – there are some animals on the runway

Senere fik vi dog heldigvis lov til at lande, da dyrene nu var væk fra landingsbanen (bon appetit)…

Derefter talte vi med rampeagenten – vi kunne godt se, at der var lidt forsinkelser på grund af uvejr, men hun mente nu, at det var Oskars skyld (hvilket forvirrede den sønderjyske skipper en smule ;-).

Senere var vi i London, hvor alt kørte som smurt i smør, og vi kunne da ikke lade være med at trække på smilebåndet, da Ground overlod os til Tower med følgende svada:

Wake Up the Tower on 124.225 when You are ready *LOL*

Fik lige forbrændt 60.526 kcal på en enkelt cykeltur!

Så bliver flyvelægen sikkert glad, når jeg skal til det årlige lægetjek i næste uge (regner med det bliver til flere 100.000 kcal bare alene i denne uge!

PS Håber ikke flyvelægen er alt for smart og kigger på ruten – på et tidspunkt rundede jeg da 911 km/t. på min CRJ-specialcykel og dagens cykeltur var på hele 3.167 km *LOL*


Og så har jeg glemt at medtage de 252 km fra København til Billund, hvor dagens “cykeltur” startede ;-)